Now, if you're anything like me (and let's hope not) you've had a few not so glorious moments in your life.
Who will dare share one or two?
To be fair, I'll start it up. These are two moments which directly involved me during concerts I played (and if you wish, I can share some more concert moments I had with my band which qualified us as the unluckiest band members on earth) in which I ended up looking a little... well, very silly!
- - -
We actually once played a show at my bass player's campsite, and they had amazingly high-tech equipment - no need to use jacks for the instruments as they had the signal devices which allowed us to have, essentially, a liberty of movement across the entire show room.
This means I was going to show-off.
Now, there were a series of pic-nic tables along each side of the room, and the stage did occupy the entire width of this room, so it was possible to actually jump on them from the stage. This was during a rare cover (Keep on rocking in the free world) by Neil Young where we played an extended jam and I went solo-crazy. That's when it hit me that it was the perfect time to run around on those tables...
... and it came back to hit me.
Now, I was absolutely convinced the boards on those tables were nailed in... but they weren't. As long as I jumped a couple of feet from the edge of those tables, it was fine, but as I'm running back towards the stage, I jumped on one of them where my feet barely landed on it. This had the result of two boards springing right up and hitting me square in the face. I'm not sure how this is physically possible (momentum I presume), but instead of falling off the table, I actually fell back onto it crashing my face again - and to this day, I don't know how my guitar did not break to pieces...
Of course, the other François, our beloved drummer, who had a microphone to do back-up vocals, had the presence of mind to say: "Now can it get more rock n' roll than this? A great round of applause for the guitar stuntman... oh, and please help him up."
Trust me, it's no fun to end a show with a nosebleed and loose teeth.
- - -
At another show, we were playing in what was an old, small theatre that usually had amateure plays, but they had these thematic nights which brought a very varied crowd age wise. At this particular venue, in order to stay true to their family-friendly policy, people could bring in a small dog with them as long as they didn't start barking. Seems a strange idea in a venue that has plays, but heck.
There was a particular dog, rather small, not sure what breed it is but I'd like to know so I never get one, who seemed very, very fond of my legs. I'm wearing shorts and he's trying to climb me up, so he's scratching below my knees, and it's really not a pleasant feeling at all - he's actually scratching me up real good. "Cute dog.. now go away..." I am trying to gently push him away with my foot, and eventually, the owner of this pet came up near the stage to bring it back to her seat.
He came back for a second round. "Hello again puppy... please go away, shoo shoo!" The master came up to the stage to pull the cute little puppy away again.
Well, there is truth in "The third time's the charm." This time, doggy fan decides to jump up and manages to sink his claws into my shorts which revealed that our canine friend was in fact heavy enough to pull my shorts down with him, which, if I recall correctly, lead a certain phrase to slip through my teeth that began with words quite similar to "Son of a..." If there is a time when this particular statement can be made entirely appropriately, I believe this would be it.
Here's the added bonus: This also revealed to the crowd that I have an aversion to underwear and as such do not usually put any on. I had to change the position of the strap on my guitar and hold the instrument itself in a whole new way for the remainder of the song for reasons which I believe to be self-explanatory.
Who will dare share one or two?
To be fair, I'll start it up. These are two moments which directly involved me during concerts I played (and if you wish, I can share some more concert moments I had with my band which qualified us as the unluckiest band members on earth) in which I ended up looking a little... well, very silly!
- - -
We actually once played a show at my bass player's campsite, and they had amazingly high-tech equipment - no need to use jacks for the instruments as they had the signal devices which allowed us to have, essentially, a liberty of movement across the entire show room.
This means I was going to show-off.
Now, there were a series of pic-nic tables along each side of the room, and the stage did occupy the entire width of this room, so it was possible to actually jump on them from the stage. This was during a rare cover (Keep on rocking in the free world) by Neil Young where we played an extended jam and I went solo-crazy. That's when it hit me that it was the perfect time to run around on those tables...
... and it came back to hit me.
Now, I was absolutely convinced the boards on those tables were nailed in... but they weren't. As long as I jumped a couple of feet from the edge of those tables, it was fine, but as I'm running back towards the stage, I jumped on one of them where my feet barely landed on it. This had the result of two boards springing right up and hitting me square in the face. I'm not sure how this is physically possible (momentum I presume), but instead of falling off the table, I actually fell back onto it crashing my face again - and to this day, I don't know how my guitar did not break to pieces...
Of course, the other François, our beloved drummer, who had a microphone to do back-up vocals, had the presence of mind to say: "Now can it get more rock n' roll than this? A great round of applause for the guitar stuntman... oh, and please help him up."
Trust me, it's no fun to end a show with a nosebleed and loose teeth.
- - -
At another show, we were playing in what was an old, small theatre that usually had amateure plays, but they had these thematic nights which brought a very varied crowd age wise. At this particular venue, in order to stay true to their family-friendly policy, people could bring in a small dog with them as long as they didn't start barking. Seems a strange idea in a venue that has plays, but heck.
There was a particular dog, rather small, not sure what breed it is but I'd like to know so I never get one, who seemed very, very fond of my legs. I'm wearing shorts and he's trying to climb me up, so he's scratching below my knees, and it's really not a pleasant feeling at all - he's actually scratching me up real good. "Cute dog.. now go away..." I am trying to gently push him away with my foot, and eventually, the owner of this pet came up near the stage to bring it back to her seat.
He came back for a second round. "Hello again puppy... please go away, shoo shoo!" The master came up to the stage to pull the cute little puppy away again.
Well, there is truth in "The third time's the charm." This time, doggy fan decides to jump up and manages to sink his claws into my shorts which revealed that our canine friend was in fact heavy enough to pull my shorts down with him, which, if I recall correctly, lead a certain phrase to slip through my teeth that began with words quite similar to "Son of a..." If there is a time when this particular statement can be made entirely appropriately, I believe this would be it.
Here's the added bonus: This also revealed to the crowd that I have an aversion to underwear and as such do not usually put any on. I had to change the position of the strap on my guitar and hold the instrument itself in a whole new way for the remainder of the song for reasons which I believe to be self-explanatory.
It would've been bad enough in private but with an audience 
… and having to pretend it didn't really hurt that much. 
to ask a guy at the bus stop for the Iguana Bar and no sooner had I asked
when blow me down I look out of my window and there it is all lit up right behind him! 
to bother checking for myself. 
I wanted the earth to swallow me up as soon as I said it, what a dumb
Shouldn't
laugh at your embarrassing moments, but you must admit they are all so funny.
and
told him I hope to God it is him and not one of my tutees' parents.
He was phoning to tell me that one on them is poorly this eve so
only one of them will be attending their lesson. I explained as best as I could and apologised but still have to face him this evening! 
because I was like a demented nervous wreck by the time I got to my third pregnancy having had nightmares with my previous two … but
that's another story.
and said something to the effect of yeah, right - you can't deny I caught you at
Vickie Wines buying your ciggies. I reminded him that he told me it was the stress of his job that drove him to it. He insisted that I must be mistaken, to
which I must've rolled my eyes 
and insisted that he owns up. Anyway, he then announced he wasn't Paul but David, our vicar. I thought 
I used to be a member of his church (before I lost the
faith). He christened my son, and he was also our neighbour (lived facing us), but it'd been a few years and I get them mixed up. 
This was the first time he'd ever been drunk (so he said) because I didn't even allow it in the home and he simply
couldn't take it, and it had to happen on the day of his performance. That was the most moment of my life because the whole church community knew about
it. 
and say ohhhh, when he was grown up so there was nothing I could do. 
Another Muslim boy I teach (all
adorable and absolutely impeccable behaviour) , a 14-year-old, doesn't even have a mobile phone at that age and couldn't care less!! I am in awe at how
the parents have instilled such excellent values in their sons. If we told our sons they couldn't have a mobile phone at the age of 14 they'd throw a
fit. 
Where was I?? Oh yes, my point is that the dad would probably be horrified if he knows the word and I'm just hoping to God he didn't notice but
I'm sure he must've because I said it 2 or 3 times. Me and my big mouth! 
